Tag Archives: life

Transcendence

when you lay your head on a heartbeat
and you call it home cos you feel complete
you know home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling
like a lifeless winter breaking in spring
or dark nights ending in dawn
or a warm silence after the storm.

i believe it, i feel it around me.
a melody. a symphony. the idea of serenity.
but i just don’t see how to break free
from this path i chose, this chain i put on me.

so i take love on a loan for the pains in my bones
and look for stopovers instead of a home.
just somewhere to sleep, get me through the night
and some warmth to bring with me, a borrowed light.

i know they’re not going to last, they’re temporary
and i know all loans come due eventually
but i’m not chasing eternity
just chemistry. mutuality. maybe even intensity.

just a stopover to lay down my defense
just for as long as it makes sense

Limerence

but the funny thing is
you promised
that i was so precious
to you it makes you anxious
when i don’t text you
you get suspicious

but honey here’s how texts work:
you can text first too
so why go berserk when i don’t text you?

call me malicious
my love fictitious
when i don’t text you you turn so vicious

but honey what are you on about?
look on the table, all my cards are out

you used to call me lovely
and hold me closely
made me believe you adored me
wanted me

all of me

but the weight of my existence
was too much for you to bear
so persistence turned into distance
and limerence turned into warfare

darling
i’m tired of mending and entertaining
i was sinking
shrinking myself
fighting to stay
standing

but no

you saw me, used and bruised,
then slammed the door on me
were you just confused
when you said you loved me?

My Daughter’s Mom

i wonder if my daughter will grow up
thinking all moms get sad for no reason.
on sundays they put on make up,
but stay in bed on rainy seasons.

i wonder if she grows up thinking
all older brothers need diaper changing.
all moms dont wear wedding rings,
and find eminem rap songs soothing.

i wonder if she grows up with the belief
that daughters are the commanders in chief
bringing tissues when mom’s having “the sad”
kissing the tears while mom’s “down bad”.

i wonder if one day she’ll be surprised
growing up means always using the restrooms.
i wonder if one day she’ll realize
why her mom has her own bedroom.

Unblooming

some things aren’t meant to last,
like that purple hue in the orange sky.
while some things from a distant past
you can never really say goodbye.

like a book closed, unread, unfinished.
a start of a spark, quietly extinguished.
they were the what ifs, left hanging at the cliff.
never mended. never truly ended.

like echoes trapped in an abandoned room.
memories of spring but the flowers never bloom.

like a familiar word that almost made sense.
entirely made up,
merely willed into existence.

The Center of My Universe

I didn’t start this relationship with you with the idea that I would be getting crumbs of attention. No, just a sip won’t do. The whole reason that I fell for you was because I wanted to drown in your love. Engulf me. Swallow me whole.

When you acted as if my presence was enough for you, as if I didn’t need to put on an act, I didn’t need to perform… You made me feel like you not only accepted me, but also adored me, cherished me, and celebrated me. When you acted as if no details in my life were ever insignificant to you. When you placed your eyes on me as if I was the center of my own universe.

Those are the reasons I fell in love with you. Those are the reasons my heart keeps pining for you. And when you’re not here it’s like my heart tries to claw itself out, rip my chest open from the inside, tear myself apart so it could reach out and grab you.

Lebay. But it does feel like that, I’m not joking.

But the way you’ve been treating me this past month has been less than acceptable. I was made to wait on you, work hard to earn a shred of your affection. Like when you slept with your ex and I felt you were pulling away from me. You made me think I was just imagining things. Like I was just hormonal. Overly sensitive.

I bent over backwards waiting on my hands and knees, be the best girl for you to earn back your tenderness. And I thought I finally did. And I was happy.

But then the Reddit DM thing happened. Again I was being stone-walled, gaslit, manipulated. I was made to think of my sins and repent even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I was pressured to admit guilt over something I never did. You were trying to crack me open under pressure. Instead of just… Communicating with me like I was your girlfriend.

But nah. I don’t think you think of me as your girlfriend anymore, and I don’t know when that stopped. Although you did say I was your woman, your best girl… But I don’t think you think of me as an equal to you anymore. Let alone putting me on a pedestal.

You put me in the backseat. Heck. The trunk maybe. I kept trying to chase your shadows and beg for crumbs of love, sleeping with notifications on, waiting for your messages. Ears perked up with every notification, never dared to let a minute go by before replying to you. I was so parched, that I felt like I had to be grateful you scrapped together some attention for me.

Maybe I was too much for you. But can you really blame me for being clingy to you when you were the one who trained me to depend on you? To count on you to catch me when I fall? To count on you to come running if I just rang the bell?

So all the way from your health problem to your ex to reddit DM to your mom to your office to your vacation… You haven’t been present, but I get it. I can take the backseat. Sure, why not. I try to stay still and wait until your life calms down a bit and you’ll have more time for me. It’s okay. Life happens, but you’ll save the last dance for me won’t you?

And through all that I held my end of the bargain so to speak. I texted you first thing in the morning, and the last thing before I went to sleep. I had been a very good girl. I’m bruised and battered and bleeding holding my post to keep being connected to you. But then what did I get?

You still questioned if I cared.

When the real question is, do you?

You don’t.

Somewhere along the way in this relationship the tables have turned. I am now the one pursuing you all the time. I’m the one panicking over losing you. I’m the one simping. I’m the one feeling butterflies when you told me you loved me.

How did it end up like this, I wonder. Maybe sleeping with your ex had made you realized that sex can be good be anyone else, it doesn’t have to be me. Or maybe it made you realize that you wanted something in person, and I do not fulfill you enough.

Or maybe you were never actually the loving, doting, passionate man who fell head over heels for me. Maybe it was NRE after all. Maybe my time is up.

I’m done.

If you weren’t gonna freely give me your love, I don’t want to chase it. If you weren’t gonna shower me with your attention, I’m done begging for it. If I no longer make you happy, so happy that you smile yourself to sleep just because I was there with you… Then why am I even fighting so hard for you? If you weren’t gonna cherish me, adore me, anchor me to the center of my universe… If you don’t want me. Then why am I stubbornly staying?

I have done all I could. And I’m done.

It was a heck of a journey. But I’m still glad we met, and we gave it a try. I’m still glad cos you made me feel things I have never felt before. You showed me the kind of happiness I didn’t know was ever available or even possible for me. If I could pull through, one day I can give myself a real chance at a love like that.

But for now I need to find ways to face my fears. Of the dark, the silence, the most vulnerable seconds right when I’m falling asleep. Cos those moments are when your ghost haunts me the most. Your warmth, those sparkles in your eyes, the soft cotton on your shirt, your twinkling smile. Your love for me. Sweet dreams that sweep me off my feet and make me lose my balance again and again… But they’re not real.

The reality is… You’re not here.

Ashes

She stood silently, watching her castle roared into a blaze.
Not by war, nor betrayal. She had brought the fire herself.
The flames danced before her, mesmerizing so,
despite the ruin in their wake.

No more banquets shall be held in this hall.
All wine evaporated into the air.

Why would a Queen burn her own throne, one may ask.
She stared, teary eyed.
I was cold, she said.

Gone were the cherry pies and rosemary lamb,
for all she could taste was ash.
And her clothes were frayed, but who fucking cares,
when the cinders keep her bare feet warm.

And on, the fire crackles, filling the night with its echoes.
She raised her face and gazed at the ashes of her crown,
flying up, up, up in the air.
Then she whispered a question.

Is this all there is?

The fire hissed,
but it did not answer.

Echoes

He came into my life like a fiery tornado I never saw coming. I thought I knew fire; I played with it, traced its edges, and let it flicker on my fingertips. But I guess I underestimated how much it could burn. How much I would burn.

His gaze lingered, smoldering against my skin. I could still feel it on my cheeks. His touch left embers around my neck, branding me in ways I couldn’t name. His love was like a wildfire. Feverish, unstoppable, a blaze so fierce it consumed me whole.

And fuck, wildfires don’t just burn, they roar. No. They roar, they crackle, they hiss, they fill all your senses until all your reality is them. But you know what’s worse? The deafening silence it left behind.

Cos now I walk through the ruins, haunted by the echoes of his fire. The scars on these trees. The ashed grass. The black smoke in the air. That ringing in my ears, the moment I realized I was alone.

Except, I could still hear him, loud and clear. Everywhere I look I can hear him… Or at least I wanted to.

But when I stepped forward, hoping to hear more clearly, all that answered was the echoes. Unforgiving, blaring, hollow. Remnants of something that once roared so loud.

I asked for a loud love.

Not to be left alone in the echoes.