Tag Archives: unsent-letter

Transcendence

when you lay your head on a heartbeat
and you call it home cos you feel complete
you know home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling
like a lifeless winter breaking in spring
or dark nights ending in dawn
or a warm silence after the storm.

i believe it, i feel it around me.
a melody. a symphony. the idea of serenity.
but i just don’t see how to break free
from this path i chose, this chain i put on me.

so i take love on a loan for the pains in my bones
and look for stopovers instead of a home.
just somewhere to sleep, get me through the night
and some warmth to bring with me, a borrowed light.

i know they’re not going to last, they’re temporary
and i know all loans come due eventually
but i’m not chasing eternity
just chemistry. mutuality. maybe even intensity.

just a stopover to lay down my defense
just for as long as it makes sense

I Thought I Missed You

…But I might have been wrong.

It’s such a weird feeling that’s been hanging in the back of my mind for a while. “You’re Still The One” by Teddy Swims reminds me of you. When I pleasure myself I have a hard time fantasizing about other people. So I must be hung up on you, right? I must have had feelings for you, right?

So why is it that all the other love songs I listen to sound so exaggerated and so wrong? I can’t relate. Nothing describes my so-called “feelings” for you. I was listening to Katy Perry’s “Thinking Of You” when I realized that. She sang, how do I get better once I’ve had the best?

Logically speaking, you should be the best I’ve ever had. I mean, you’re the most gorgeous person I’ve been with, that’s for sure. You’re a lot of my firsts, and I could say without a doubt that you are extremely hot.

…But you’re not really the best for me, are you. We didn’t really connect as well as I wrote we did, did we.

Maybe what I missed was more of what I could be when I was with you? Maybe what I missed was our potential, what we could have been. Maybe I wrote so many things about us and I fell in love with the idea of us, rather than falling for… You.

It is for sure unfortunate that we couldn’t be what I thought we could. What you convinced me we could, even after time and time again I reminded you of how inexperienced I am. Maybe you had me convinced that I was enough, even with my limitations. Maybe you had given me hope that I was enough, even with all my shortcomings. And maybe I had let myself believe you. So maybe what I’m missing is more of those abstract hopes and ideas rather than… You.

Look. I’m not saying you’re not special. I am thankful for the ways you practically dragged me out of my hidings. I’m grateful you visited my life, and left a mark so big I am now out here wildin’. You gave me the push I needed to embrace that I probably could be what I wanted to be, if I just try. And you let me try. And I’m thankful for that.

But now it’s all over and I’m just standing alone. And I thought I missed you.

…But I just don’t.

Is this how people feel about their one night stands? You’re not a one night stand for me, though. You were mine. Or at least “the idea of you” is mine. Was mine.