Blog / Daily Life – Forever a Pretender

The Center of My Universe

I didn’t start this relationship with you with the idea that I would be getting crumbs of attention. No, just a sip won’t do. The whole reason that I fell for you was because I wanted to drown in your love. Engulf me. Swallow me whole.

When you acted as if my presence was enough for you, as if I didn’t need to put on an act, I didn’t need to perform… You made me feel like you not only accepted me, but also adored me, cherished me, and celebrated me. When you acted as if no details in my life were ever insignificant to you. When you placed your eyes on me as if I was the center of my own universe.

Those are the reasons I fell in love with you. Those are the reasons my heart keeps pining for you. And when you’re not here it’s like my heart tries to claw itself out, rip my chest open from the inside, tear myself apart so it could reach out and grab you.

Lebay. But it does feel like that, I’m not joking.

But the way you’ve been treating me this past month has been less than acceptable. I was made to wait on you, work hard to earn a shred of your affection. Like when you slept with your ex and I felt you were pulling away from me. You made me think I was just imagining things. Like I was just hormonal. Overly sensitive.

I bent over backwards waiting on my hands and knees, be the best girl for you to earn back your tenderness. And I thought I finally did. And I was happy.

But then the Reddit DM thing happened. Again I was being stone-walled, gaslit, manipulated. I was made to think of my sins and repent even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I was pressured to admit guilt over something I never did. You were trying to crack me open under pressure. Instead of just… Communicating with me like I was your girlfriend.

But nah. I don’t think you think of me as your girlfriend anymore, and I don’t know when that stopped. Although you did say I was your woman, your best girl… But I don’t think you think of me as an equal to you anymore. Let alone putting me on a pedestal.

You put me in the backseat. Heck. The trunk maybe. I kept trying to chase your shadows and beg for crumbs of love, sleeping with notifications on, waiting for your messages. Ears perked up with every notification, never dared to let a minute go by before replying to you. I was so parched, that I felt like I had to be grateful you scrapped together some attention for me.

Maybe I was too much for you. But can you really blame me for being clingy to you when you were the one who trained me to depend on you? To count on you to catch me when I fall? To count on you to come running if I just rang the bell?

So all the way from your health problem to your ex to reddit DM to your mom to your office to your vacation… You haven’t been present, but I get it. I can take the backseat. Sure, why not. I try to stay still and wait until your life calms down a bit and you’ll have more time for me. It’s okay. Life happens, but you’ll save the last dance for me won’t you?

And through all that I held my end of the bargain so to speak. I texted you first thing in the morning, and the last thing before I went to sleep. I had been a very good girl. I’m bruised and battered and bleeding holding my post to keep being connected to you. But then what did I get?

You still questioned if I cared.

When the real question is, do you?

You don’t.

Somewhere along the way in this relationship the tables have turned. I am now the one pursuing you all the time. I’m the one panicking over losing you. I’m the one simping. I’m the one feeling butterflies when you told me you loved me.

How did it end up like this, I wonder. Maybe sleeping with your ex had made you realized that sex can be good be anyone else, it doesn’t have to be me. Or maybe it made you realize that you wanted something in person, and I do not fulfill you enough.

Or maybe you were never actually the loving, doting, passionate man who fell head over heels for me. Maybe it was NRE after all. Maybe my time is up.

I’m done.

If you weren’t gonna freely give me your love, I don’t want to chase it. If you weren’t gonna shower me with your attention, I’m done begging for it. If I no longer make you happy, so happy that you smile yourself to sleep just because I was there with you… Then why am I even fighting so hard for you? If you weren’t gonna cherish me, adore me, anchor me to the center of my universe… If you don’t want me. Then why am I stubbornly staying?

I have done all I could. And I’m done.

It was a heck of a journey. But I’m still glad we met, and we gave it a try. I’m still glad cos you made me feel things I have never felt before. You showed me the kind of happiness I didn’t know was ever available or even possible for me. If I could pull through, one day I can give myself a real chance at a love like that.

But for now I need to find ways to face my fears. Of the dark, the silence, the most vulnerable seconds right when I’m falling asleep. Cos those moments are when your ghost haunts me the most. Your warmth, those sparkles in your eyes, the soft cotton on your shirt, your twinkling smile. Your love for me. Sweet dreams that sweep me off my feet and make me lose my balance again and again… But they’re not real.

The reality is… You’re not here.

I read this somewhere and just had to write it down.

To love deeply without expecting permanence.

To find peace in the ruins of expectations.

To stop asking life for guarantees it can not give.

To respect the endings you didn’t choose.

To forgive yourself for things you could not prevent.

To accept that nothing we love is truly safe, and still choose to love anyway.

To remember beginnings are born from ruins, not from control.

To trust your hands enough to begin again.

It’s Not Real Until It’s Real

There are so many things I could say about him. The fact that he saw me just being myself, he liked me, he pursued me, and he persisted. I was so sure he would give up within months, but somehow the more he dug the more he got stuck. It’s hard to believe, he not only accepts me however I am, he actually wants me. Whatever I throw at him he gladly takes it. He can skillfully handle me. Contain me. Tame me. But above all, he adores me to no end. How did that happen? How was that possible?

A lot of times when I see happy loving couples on social media I treat them as fiction love stories. They’re not real and I may never experience a love like that. And I have accepted that as a fact, because the reality is I am stuck in a life that I thought I wanted. The life that I worked to build, but turned out to be so lonely. So suffocating.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t understand how it can be viscerally powerful: The feeling of being the object of someone’s intense affection.

But then he taught me that. He grabbed my hand and dragged me back into the center of my own universe. It’s unbelievable, the way he saw me, he understood my shortcomings, my toxic traits, and yet he still adores me anyway. It’s honestly hard to believe. And that’s why I kept saying, it’s not real until it’s real.

But then he sat across from me and smiled at me and stared at me like I was the only woman ever existed for him… Now it is real. What am I gonna do about it?

He’s my once in a lifetime. It’s fucking heartbreaking.

Crash and burn

I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug.
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved…

I guess it is unfair to hope that infatuations will last forever. People will admire you for a little bit. They might even obsess about you for some time. Until you make a mistake and slip and fall down the pedestal. Or maybe even if you never did anything wrong, eventually they find the next newest, shiniest thing. Whichever one comes first.

Maybe God Can Tell My Dad I Said Hi

So… I went to church today for the first time in forever. Maybe it sounds a little silly since I’m not all that religious anymore, but the church felt like home somehow. Everything was so familiar, although people were speaking in a language I don’t really understand, and singing songs I don’t know about. But even just the sounds, the sight, even the smell, felt like home. And it’s hard to describe but I felt like it connects me to ‘home’. Granted, I now have my own little home in this side of the world, but a huge piece of me was moulded somewhere else, you know?

And as weird as it sounds cos I’m not too religious anymore, I’m thankful to be a part of the church. Cos before my dad passed away he was baptized, he died as a Catholic although he wasn’t always one. And his funeral was done the Catholic way. Sooooo technically, the Catholic God may or may not have been present at my dad’s funeral. Although I definitely wasn’t.

So today at the church I asked God how it went. I also told God that my dad wasn’t a bad man, he was always respectful to Him. All those time that I spent at church when I was younger? Sure my dad wasn’t there but he was supportive of it, he sent me there and picked me up, always. So that must count as something, right? And because he died as a Catholic and was cremated in the name of God, that means he’s now a part of the church as well, right? So… Maybe God could tell him I said hi. Maybe God could tell him there’s not many cockroaches in Japan so I’m alright and he could rest peacefully hahah

As weird as it is, my most favorite memory about my dad was that one time he rescued me from an army of cockroaches in front of our house. I was probably 26 or 27 at that time, but still such a wimp, couldn’t move at the sight of a cockroach. That one particular night though, it was raining a lot so the streets were a little flooded. Those cockroaches tried to escape water by climbing our house’s gate. So naturally, I stood in front of the neighbor’s house and called for help. My dad was at the store with my mom, but he came straight home in his motorbike, fetched me from in front of the neighbor’s house (about 3 meters away), got me on his motorbike and chaufer me into the house lmao!

Two years ago (2021) I went back home to visit him, and brought Takeru with me cos I wanted them to meet while my dad was still alive. He had already had multiple strokes by then so he was bed-ridden. Some days he was conscious, some days not. I wasn’t sure he recognized me when I arrived, but I remember my mom announced my presence to him by yelling, “Do you recognize her?? She’s the one that’s scared of cockroaches!!” My dad didn’t answer. Had my mom announce it by saying it’s your daughter, maybe my dad would’ve recognized me right away.

But anyways. He eventually did. One time during my visit there I was able to hear him call my name in the sing-song tone he’d usually use. Although we didn’t chat much, as he wasn’t able to hold a conversation anymore, probably wasn’t able to see clearly either.

I’m glad I went to visit him at that time. I have always suspected that I wouldn’t be able to be at his funeral. And after much thought, I decided that it was more important to me to visit him while he was still alive. And that’s what I did, and I have minimum regrets cos I know I did what I could. I introduced my son to him, and at that time I was pregnant with my daughter so technically my daughter has met him too.

I remember when I was leaving… I kissed his cheek for the last time, fully decided that that was gonna be the last kiss I’d plant on his cheek. It was kinda interesting, remembering how when I was a little kid I would always kiss his cheek whenever I was going to sleep. At that time though, I was kissing his cheek cos he was going to sleep.

And so… It happened. He passed away, February 12th 2024.

Of course, I wasn’t there. My mom and brothers were, though. They had offered me a video call during his last moments, but I hesitated so much… I’m not entirely sure if I regret hesitating. Maybe a little? But that’s fine and I can live with it. At least now he’s a free soul. If God existed, then we’re probably gonna hang out again some time. But for now, I at least went to church last Sunday to ask God to pass my hi and well wishes to him.

And to tell him that even though we didn’t always have the best father and daughter relationship, and even though sometimes I had wished he was easier to love, but I appreciate him in my life and everything he did for me.