Author Archives: Rz

just a midnight writer

I Thought I Missed You

…But I might have been wrong.

It’s such a weird feeling that’s been hanging in the back of my mind for a while. “You’re Still The One” by Teddy Swims reminds me of you. When I pleasure myself I have a hard time fantasizing about other people. So I must be hung up on you, right? I must have had feelings for you, right?

So why is it that all the other love songs I listen to sound so exaggerated and so wrong? I can’t relate. Nothing describes my so-called “feelings” for you. I was listening to Katy Perry’s “Thinking Of You” when I realized that. She sang, how do I get better once I’ve had the best?

Logically speaking, you should be the best I’ve ever had. I mean, you’re the most gorgeous person I’ve been with, that’s for sure. You’re a lot of my firsts, and I could say without a doubt that you are extremely hot.

…But you’re not really the best for me, are you. We didn’t really connect as well as I wrote we did, did we.

Maybe what I missed was more of what I could be when I was with you? Maybe what I missed was our potential, what we could have been. Maybe I wrote so many things about us and I fell in love with the idea of us, rather than falling for… You.

It is for sure unfortunate that we couldn’t be what I thought we could. What you convinced me we could, even after time and time again I reminded you of how inexperienced I am. Maybe you had me convinced that I was enough, even with my limitations. Maybe you had given me hope that I was enough, even with all my shortcomings. And maybe I had let myself believe you. So maybe what I’m missing is more of those abstract hopes and ideas rather than… You.

Look. I’m not saying you’re not special. I am thankful for the ways you practically dragged me out of my hidings. I’m grateful you visited my life, and left a mark so big I am now out here wildin’. You gave me the push I needed to embrace that I probably could be what I wanted to be, if I just try. And you let me try. And I’m thankful for that.

But now it’s all over and I’m just standing alone. And I thought I missed you.

…But I just don’t.

Is this how people feel about their one night stands? You’re not a one night stand for me, though. You were mine. Or at least “the idea of you” is mine. Was mine.

Compartmentalization, Dead Bedrooms, and Adultery

Let me preface this by saying, my writing this time is more of a mind gym rather than condoning or sponsoring any ideas.

Recently I learned what it means to compartmentalize. The children’s book, Color Monster, provides a good visual of what it is. But if you never read it… Well. Basically, since we humans have complex feelings most of the time, it might get mixed up and one feeling might affect the others, for better or worse. Compartmentalizing helps you untangle the mess and tidy up your feelings… So to speak.

An easy example I can come up with, that I think you might be able to relate better, is when my father passed away. It was a difficult time, cos I was thousands of kms away from them, I couldn’t visit, I couldn’t be there for his funeral, and plus I have two small kids to take care of and life has to go on. So I had to put my sadness and grief into a metaphorical box and close it, to access it another day when it’s safer to do so. And then the time came for me to access it—It was night time, the kids were asleep, I was watching through a video call when they closed my dad’s coffin. It was safe to access the sadness and grief, so only then I let it out. Then the day after, I put everything back in the box and close it, to access it again some other time.

So that’s called compartmentalizing: Stepping back from your feelings and deliberately making decisions and choices. A kind friend once said, this makes us effective, but less moral. You’ll probably see why if you keep reading.

People change. That much we know is true. Sometimes in a long-term relationship, the people in it could have different experiences that would make them gain new perspectives and change the way they are. Sometimes it can be minimum, unnoticeable, and business may proceed as usual. Other times though, the changes can be more significant, and eating away at relationships.

I’m thinking, more particularly, about Dead Bedrooms.

For reasons I wouldn’t disclose but you could probably guess, this is a subreddit I frequently visit. It’s dark, it’s depressing, it’s full of people in agony and misery due to the lack of bedroom activities. Some people choose to stay in the dead bedroom relationship because their lives are too intertwined with their spouses. Most of the time there are kids involved. And it’s not uncommon to see people saying things like, “Other than the lack of intimacy, everything else is great.”

People who choose to stay in the Dead Bedroom, or perhaps are stuck in there, would understand that lack of intimacy is way more than just lack of sex. It’s missing being desired, being adored, being wanted… It can corrode your confidence, make you question yourself—What did you do to make your partner not want to touch you? What is lacking from you? Is there anything wrong with how you look? How you smell, maybe? Is there anything you’re not doing that makes your partner decide to withhold intimacy?

So you keep trying to fulfil your partner’s needs, and beyond. You make sure they have everything they want, in hopes that they would give you what you want: Touch. Desire. Intimacy.

Most of the posts in Dead Bedroom subreddit are stories about how it just simply never works. A lot of people have just given up on trying, albeit continuously building resentment over their partners. A lot of people eventually cave into the temptations of extramarital providers.

In a situation where leaving a marriage is almost impossible and may cause more sorrow than good, adultery becomes an option.

It’s a common unspoken consensus that if you do commit adultery, you do it as a way to make you a better partner for your spouse. That way you can have the stability of marriage, but at the time get your needs taken care of, without having to pester your spouse for sex. Or validations. Or romance. Or whatever other reasons that make you choose to seek affairs.

Now comes the next problem. As we all know the theory of love, the more effort you spend on someone, the more attached to them you’d feel. In other words, there might be feelings involved. Love, even. So how does an adulterer reap the benefits of having outside providers, but also at the same time maintaining the stability of their main relationships and their home? The answer is, of course, by compartmentalizing.

To be a ‘successful’ adulterer, let’s look into non-monogamy for a little bit. There is such a thing called ethical non-monogamy, which is a type of relationship with more than one person, but everyone involved agrees to it and is honest about it. Therefore it is respectful and consensual.

There is also a type of non-monogamy relationship called DADT, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Partners agree not to disclose details about their other relationships to each other. Sometimes even if it’s not explicitly discussed, the underlying principle is that there’s a mutual understanding to keep certain aspects of their non-monogamous relationships private from each other. Because of the nature of secrecy in DADT non-monogamy, it is questionable if this type of relationship is respectful and consensual, and therefore people might argue that it is not ethical.

In the same nature of secrecy, comes adultery. Although of course, in adultery, the main partner’s consent is completely disregarded. Therefore it is a violation of trust, honesty, and respect within a committed partnership. However, relationships are full of nuances, and the justifications of adultery can be context-dependent. For example, in situations where there is abuse or neglect within a relationship, or where leaving the relationship entirely would cause more harm than good, people might dip into adultery as a means of self-preservation.

Then it becomes the question of if it is justified to trade off ethical considerations such as honesty and integrity with personal happiness and general well-being.

Like I said before, relationships are full of nuances. We have monogamy, ethical non-monogamy, DADT non-monogamy, and adultery… Why isn’t there such a thing as ethical adultery?

But anyways, now let’s leave the questions about the ethics of adultery. In this writing I would like to just focus on the nature of the non-monogamy relationships and adultery, which is having multiple partners in addition to the main partner.

So how does that work? As a monogamous person one might think they don’t have enough space in their heart or mind to have more than one partner, as it might affect their commitments and feelings for their main partner.

However, people in non-monogamy relationships and ‘successful’ adulterers compartmentalize their primary relationship from their extramarital relationships. So that their partners aren’t necessarily competing with each other, but rather are providing different things.

For example, think of a marriage that is great but it is between a kinky person and a vanilla person. The kinky one felt unsatisfied because their kinky needs aren’t met, and to top it all off, it’s a dead bedroom situation. In this case, the kinky spouse could seek a kinky relationship that could help them in exploring or expressing their authentic self, but not necessarily take from or replace their marriages.

That way the unsatisfied spouse is less bitter about not having their needs met and fulfilled, and therefore is able to be a better primary partner for their spouse. Their extramarital partners are just providing missing pieces for their jigsaw puzzles, and not changing the whole picture.

It works for some people. Although again, whether adultery can be justified or not would depend on individual perspectives and the specific circumstances involved. And yes, I raise an argument that adultery can be justified, or even ethical.

But that’s the thing about compartmentalization, as a friend kindly said to me: When you step away from feelings, you become more effective, but probably less moral. And when you get to that stage you might even agree that the less damaging option is most probably the better one for everyone involved, even if it involves some dishonesty.

Because the ends justify the means.

The Spectrum

For the longest time I have realized that my son is different. For instance, music calms him down in a very strange way. As a baby, whenever he was crying, he’d stop crying as soon as I started singing. It’s not even because of mom’s soothing voice, nah, he’s just always very interested in melody. During these early days I remember that I noticed he wasn’t interested in people. He was never clingy, he was content playing by himself, maybe once in a while he would come to me, but he was never looking for me. No bye-byes, no hellos. And usually during the mandatory developmental checkups (every few months, or years) there are some questionnaires to answer, and I remember the very first time I felt like no one was taking me seriously.

“Does the child turn to you when you call their name?”
No, no he never did.

But of course, even if he was on the spectrum, he was probably too small to do anything about it anyways, so probably that’s why they just shrugged it off. And there were other things that needed more attention, like how he wasn’t walking yet. The city hall called us every few months to check up on his development. When he was finally started walking, they finally moved on to being concerned about his speech.

Sadly, because I’m a foreigner, they kinda blamed language confusion as the reason for him to not be speaking yet. I was told to use more Japanese… Which.. Yeah sure, I’d do that. But they failed to understand that I believed there was something different about him…

Although they kept calling us every few months to check up on us, he was 3 and a half years old when they finally decided he needed more support. August 2023. They finally did assessments and decided he needed to get into rehabilitation.

But it’s just so tough, the rehabilitation center that the City Hall sent us to, Himawari (総合療育センターひまわり学園), is so overbooked that we could only go once a month for less than an hour of session. And it’s just so fucking far. I had to go first by bicycle to the station, then take a train, then take a bus, then still walk again for 15 minutes. I just. Can’t. Is it all worth it?? For less than one hour session once a month?? But I mean, of course I’d do it, even though begrudgingly.

When it was decided that he was going to Himawari, I felt finally validated. I felt that finally I’d get the help that I had been needing, but it was a tad too late. I felt that I was alone in it for too long, without a clue, without help, and it honestly made me feel bitter.

I was venting about this to a foreigner mom group on Facebook, and someone introduced me to Copel Plus (児童発達支援スクール – コペルプラス). It’s kinda like a rehabilitation center as well, but it’s privately owned and there aren’t health professionals. I looked it up and found out that there’s a branch quite close to my house. So I sent an inquiry and made it happen. It’s supposedly not free. I don’t know tbh. My son has the developmental delay letter from the doctor, and using that recommendation letter we were able to get the City Hall to pay it for us.

Now my son goes to Copel 2-3 times a week, and goes to Himawari once a month or so. It has been like this since November 2013. He has shown improvements, albeit slowly, but he’s starting to communicate a little better by using more words and phrases. His physical skills are developing too, he’s started jumping with both feet like on a trampoline or on the couch. He’s never done that before, so that’s fun.

And about his being in the spectrum, although I have voiced my concerns to the doctors back in Himawari, they are still yet to give a diagnosis. I don’t know what’s stopping them tbh, the signs are clear as day. My son doesn’t respond most of the time you call his name, he repeats jargons (echolalia), he’s especially very interested in shapes and letters…

But anyways. Here’s to hoping he’ll get more and more used to communicating his wants and needs.

But to be honest though, it has been so draining and so hard, I’ve been feeling so lonely. And in this journey I caught myself a few times asking myself why I decided to have children? It’s so fucking hard, what did I do to myself? I mean I knew it would be hard, and I also know it’s gonna get better. It doesn’t make it less hard of course.

When I was setting up this site I was tidying up my old posts and ended up reading my older post about my hopes and dreams when I decided to have kids. It reminded me that I was mostly hoping that my kids will live a happy life, discover things they’d enjoy doing, and falling in love with life.

And even with how hard it is now for me, all the sacrifices we need to make, all the misery, the loneliness, the struggles, even with all the hardships, I think my kids are quite enjoying life so far. My son is especially interested in music, and alphabets, and shapes, and colors. And he’s quite happy in general. So I must be doing something right.

Maybe God Can Tell My Dad I Said Hi

So… I went to church today for the first time in forever. Maybe it sounds a little silly since I’m not all that religious anymore, but the church felt like home somehow. Everything was so familiar, although people were speaking in a language I don’t really understand, and singing songs I don’t know about. But even just the sounds, the sight, even the smell, felt like home. And it’s hard to describe but I felt like it connects me to ‘home’. Granted, I now have my own little home in this side of the world, but a huge piece of me was moulded somewhere else, you know?

And as weird as it sounds cos I’m not too religious anymore, I’m thankful to be a part of the church. Cos before my dad passed away he was baptized, he died as a Catholic although he wasn’t always one. And his funeral was done the Catholic way. Sooooo technically, the Catholic God may or may not have been present at my dad’s funeral. Although I definitely wasn’t.

So today at the church I asked God how it went. I also told God that my dad wasn’t a bad man, he was always respectful to Him. All those time that I spent at church when I was younger? Sure my dad wasn’t there but he was supportive of it, he sent me there and picked me up, always. So that must count as something, right? And because he died as a Catholic and was cremated in the name of God, that means he’s now a part of the church as well, right? So… Maybe God could tell him I said hi. Maybe God could tell him there’s not many cockroaches in Japan so I’m alright and he could rest peacefully hahah

As weird as it is, my most favorite memory about my dad was that one time he rescued me from an army of cockroaches in front of our house. I was probably 26 or 27 at that time, but still such a wimp, couldn’t move at the sight of a cockroach. That one particular night though, it was raining a lot so the streets were a little flooded. Those cockroaches tried to escape water by climbing our house’s gate. So naturally, I stood in front of the neighbor’s house and called for help. My dad was at the store with my mom, but he came straight home in his motorbike, fetched me from in front of the neighbor’s house (about 3 meters away), got me on his motorbike and chaufer me into the house lmao!

Two years ago (2021) I went back home to visit him, and brought Takeru with me cos I wanted them to meet while my dad was still alive. He had already had multiple strokes by then so he was bed-ridden. Some days he was conscious, some days not. I wasn’t sure he recognized me when I arrived, but I remember my mom announced my presence to him by yelling, “Do you recognize her?? She’s the one that’s scared of cockroaches!!” My dad didn’t answer. Had my mom announce it by saying it’s your daughter, maybe my dad would’ve recognized me right away.

But anyways. He eventually did. One time during my visit there I was able to hear him call my name in the sing-song tone he’d usually use. Although we didn’t chat much, as he wasn’t able to hold a conversation anymore, probably wasn’t able to see clearly either.

I’m glad I went to visit him at that time. I have always suspected that I wouldn’t be able to be at his funeral. And after much thought, I decided that it was more important to me to visit him while he was still alive. And that’s what I did, and I have minimum regrets cos I know I did what I could. I introduced my son to him, and at that time I was pregnant with my daughter so technically my daughter has met him too.

I remember when I was leaving… I kissed his cheek for the last time, fully decided that that was gonna be the last kiss I’d plant on his cheek. It was kinda interesting, remembering how when I was a little kid I would always kiss his cheek whenever I was going to sleep. At that time though, I was kissing his cheek cos he was going to sleep.

And so… It happened. He passed away, February 12th 2024.

Of course, I wasn’t there. My mom and brothers were, though. They had offered me a video call during his last moments, but I hesitated so much… I’m not entirely sure if I regret hesitating. Maybe a little? But that’s fine and I can live with it. At least now he’s a free soul. If God existed, then we’re probably gonna hang out again some time. But for now, I at least went to church last Sunday to ask God to pass my hi and well wishes to him.

And to tell him that even though we didn’t always have the best father and daughter relationship, and even though sometimes I had wished he was easier to love, but I appreciate him in my life and everything he did for me.

32 Years — Is It Time For Midlife Crisis Yet?

Oke, setelah bertahun-tahun rajin bikin “birthday wish” sebelum ultah, tahun ini akhirnya telat nulis. The reason? Karna sibuk ngurus anak. Klasik. 🙂 But wow, saking sibuknya ngurus anak sampe nulis blog terakhir kali aja satu tahun yang lalu. Ahahaha

Things changed a lot lately. For the past… Idk, 6 months? I’ve taken a step back from social media. So I haven’t touched my Instagram as often as I used to. The reason being, for past two years I think Instagram has been giving me more anxiety than I could handle. It made me compare my life to other people’s, it made me feel lacking and inadequate.

People share whatever they want others to see, which is valid and fair, but I see people shop for branded stuff, or go to have dinner parties and socialize, or their kids doing awesome things and showing their skills and whatever… I see those things and all it made me feel was that something is lacking from my life.

The thing is—I don’t even care for branded stuff. I don’t care for fancy dinners or whatever. But seeing other people have those things made me irrationally feel jealous. Feel like I could’ve, I should’ve, or like, why am I not living as good as they do? In logical levels though, I understand that their lifes could be miserable but they just don’t show it. I understand that. But still, they have things to boast about. Their lavish vacations or their kids achievements or gifts they got from their loved ones, or idk.

And to mess it all up more, if you just click past through those boasting posts, for the last year or two especially, you’d occasionally see obituaries. Or people got covid and hospitalized. Or their loved ones got it and… It’s honestly like a roller coaster ride. One moment you see someone announcing they were expecting a new baby, and the next you’ll see someone else posting they were at the hospital. One moment it’s someone’s birthday, the other it’s someone’s funeral. I guess I couldn’t take the swing and the whiplash. Not that I don’t care about the people in my instagram, just that I care about my mental stability more lmao

So I decided to invest my time elsewhere, and that ‘elsewhere’ happened to be Reddit. I made a new ‘persona’, I’m not Redz, I’m not Henny, I’m someone else there. Someone new, someone without a background, someone who wasn’t a relationship expert, and I could just completely and anonymously be me. And from there I found new communities, new friends and meaningful connections, and I explored a new side of me that I never knew existed.

It’s been quite an eye-opening journey to be honest, one that I’m glad I took. It validates a lot of things I never realized I needed. It made me feel lovable again cos I can experience how people grow to like me even when they never met me. You know? All they knew about me was that I’m a bored stay at home mom of a toddler, and that’s it. They welcomed me. They invited me to new groups. Even when they never seen my face, they wanted to talk to me. Even when they never knew I wrote books or I gave relationship advice, they still surrounded me with acceptance and kindness. And I’m grateful for them.

Another thing I’m grateful about is that even though we are all broken people—Some are depressed, some insomniacs, some broke, some with self esteem problems, some with other problems… And yet we all just get together with all these imperfections, be there for each others, share warmth, listen to music together and chat and trash talk and tease each others. It’s fun. They seem normal, they feel normal, they have problems like me, they’re not perfect, they don’t boast about fine dining or branded bags, so I feel… … …at home kinda. I don’t have to put on a mask and be someone, I can just be the shitty ole me and they accept me.

So I gotta be honest, I haven’t been checking Instagram at all lately. Not Facebook either. Not even Whatsapp. And it feels liberating. Although also concerning in a way, cos I’ve neglected my real life friends (I’m not hanging out as much as I used to) and my best friends are all online now. Is this even healthy? I got my peace of mind but at what cost? I’m detached from the persona I’ve built until last year. I don’t benchmark anymore so I wouldn’t know if my kid is slow in whatever progress other kids his age have been achieving. I’m at least at peace and not stressed out like I used to. But in the end I’m unsure. Like… What am I even doing in this life.

I’m 32 years old now and I’m just a sentient stardust floating in the universe, growing more and more apathetic as time goes by.

“Why Did You Decide to Have Children?”

It’s crazy that we have come to a time when people having kids are getting questioned “why”. It used to be simpler. It’s a primordial call, something seen as normal to do, even something expected of you once you got married.

Lately though, the childfree culture has gotten more and more prevalent, probably seen as more modern, more hip, more fun choice of lifestyle. The advantages of being childfree are advertised widely, as well as the cons of having children. People are beginning to realize that having or not having children is now a choice. In this free world, choosing to remain childfree is the newest whatsup.

Which is fine. I’m all for choosing however you want to live your life. After all, you only have one life and limited resources, if you choose to enjoy the resources by yourself then that’s great, I wish you an enjoyable life.

Sadly though, some of the people who choose to remain childfree also choose to mock, make fun of, and belittle people who choose to have children. “Having children” now has a bad rep. Some childfree people are now convinced that people who have children are only overpopulating the earth with more fucked up humans. That having children is a less-educated choice of life. Or that because “having children” is a less fun way to live a life, why would a fun, hip, modern humans want to have kids at all? And if you’re not fun, not hip, not modern—then how dare you want to have children when you’re all messed up already??

I must have fallen into the category of people who’s not expected to have children, because I got asked surprisingly a lot by strangers and friends, “Why did you choose to have children?”

One acquaintance even very kindly put it as, “How could a person like you dare to have a kid? I hope you won’t fuck him up.” I hope so too, dear, I hope so too. Though I’m sure I will, one way or another.

It’s a rather tough question, though. Something not very simple for me to answer, as there was a personal journey to get to it. So for the curious minds who asked for my justifications to have a child, I will try to bring you through it.

The “Maybe Not” Phase

If I’m being honest, I was not always sure I wanted children. I have very limited experiences with children, I don’t know how to communicate with them, or what to do with them. I remember I once asked a kid his age, and it was so awkward because I didn’t know what to reply when he answered. “You’re five?? That is a LOT!” (Cue awkward laughs)

In addition to that, I was also pretty exposed to the childfree culture; I know people who choose to remain childfree and quite vocal about it.

Also let’s not forget I have a very close friend (Yes Lex, I’m talking about you here) who actively advertise that your happiness level will decrease when you have a child, and would probably stay low until the child or children get out of the house. If you’ve never heard of this theory before you could ead the research here and here.

And another reason that I heard a lot across the childfree community: The world seems to get more crowded, global warming makes the earth a terrible place to live in with every passing year, and people get more apathethic to each other, what kind of person, in their right mind, would wish their offsprings to live in such a world?

There are enough people already who’s popping out babies without being able to properly care and raise them financially or morally. There are enough kids already who, due to irresponsible parents, will inevitably grow into some entitled, self-absorbed brats that their parents were.

So for the above reasons, for quite some time I entertained the idea of living childfree.

In 2018-2019, I started working at a daycare in Yokohama, and got exposed to a lot of kids age 7 to 9. That experience was what changed it for me. I see how it really is: The kids are monsters, but in a good way.

They are a total chaotic energy, and alien to human rules; They need to be told not to lick the fan! But… In a good way. It was a nice surprise that even though I was drained every time I taught a class, in general I grew to love them and care for them and think of them as precious, precious little monsters. It was a rewarding experience and even until now I still think of them every once in a while, wondering how much they’ve grown now, and what wonderful things have they discovered.

And the reality of it just hit me: If they are raised RIGHT, how much good can they spread?

Their hands are going to build the future society, they are going to correct what they think is wrong, all while adapting to the challenges and hopefully also having fun in the process. Hopefully they are going to see beautiful places or even create a beautiful place. And I’m sure they are going to eat delicious food or even make them. And they are going to touch lifes. And they are going to be amazing.

IF they are raised RIGHT. In the right environment. By the right people.

Now I’m not saying I’m THE right person to raise the next generation of non-parasitic, well-mannered citizens… After all, if you know me at all, you’d know how cynical / nihilistic I am in general. I’m probably not THE BEST person out there to have children, I can accept that. But if we’d only ever allow the perfect people to have children, the world would probably collapse even before the global warming kills us all.

Also, while I’m not trying to be cocky, am I not even slightly more woke compared to other people? Probably more mentally prepared? Did other people around me think it through and knew the risks and knew how bleak the world is and how harsh the society can be and yet still carefully choose to have a kid? Did they contemplate and wholeheartedly decide they were up for it?

Cos I’m willing to bet, that not all of the parents in the world were prepared for the whole parenthood thing, and yet look at how kind the kids are, how sweet they are, how much fun they are having, and how bright their future can be.

Heck, even look at you and me, we’re all broken souls in one way or another, but you’re a beautiful addition to the world, your presence is necessary and appreciated. We don’t gotta be perfect to exist. We don’t gotta figure everything out before we could have fun.

So, if with the minimal contemplation our parents had, we exist, what can I do if I prepare myself and then have kids?

And think of all those irresponsible parents who actually fucked up. If THEYYYYYYY will never stop having children, why not the well-informed, educated, mentally prepared ones have children?

The “Okay, Yes” Phase

It might be a form of conceit, but I feel that I have enough information to pass on to my child to make him a decent human. Hopefully, enough wisdom to help him make a contribution to better the world, or at least to better the society around him. My partner also is a big part of the decision making process: Simply put, I think he is the right person to do parenting with. So if only we’re up for it, we most probably can do it. It seems doable.

So I started to think and rethink about the pros and the cons of having a kid. I loved my life and I knew for sure that I would lose it to child-bearing. I loved my body and I knew it would never be the same after kid(s). I loved the silence around me, the songs I’d sing when I was alone, the comfort of pooping without distractions… All those would be gone. Would it be worth it?

Not to mention my relationship with my husband. It definitely would be different. I would transform from becoming a wife, all cute and pretty, into a mom of our kids, all tired and messed up. We would be having less time for each other, the topics of our conversations would probably revolve around kids. We would most probably have trouble with intimacy. Would it be okay? What if after the kid comes into the picture, my relationship with my husband takes a turn for the worse?

Also what if the kid can’t contribute to society as much as I hope he would? What if he was born deformed or with disabilities, was I up for supporting him, getting help for him, or even taking care of him for the rest of my life? And what if the kid I brought to this world couldn’t enjoy life as much as I hoped they would? How am I gonna support them best?

And then there’s also the financial aspect, which to be honest I was not too worried about, because living in Japan, there’s free education and free healthcare for the children. Also even though I’d be out of work for a little while, I’d definitely go back to work eventually. It seems doable, tbh.

So after really thinking about it all, my husband and I then decided to go for it.

I remember regretting my decision when contractions started kicking in and I was in pain. Lol. Other than that, I’m generally happy with my decision, and can’t wait to show my little squish how to have fun in this world. Can’t wait to have discussions about the bad and the good of being alive. I’m excited for him.

Oh and of course it hasn’t been all fun and games, there are some unhappy moments too. Although, most of the unhappy moments were the ones I have thought about before, so it was expected. I willingly chose this path, I knew the risks and consequences. It doesn’t make it any easier to get through, hard times are still hard, but I at least know that this was all my choice. I’ll get through it. Even if I have to do so begrudgingly.

Mobius: Most purpose is more burden than glory, and trust me, you never want to be the guy who avoids it ’cause you can’t live with the burden.

Loki: How do you live with it?

Mobius: Scar tissue.

Loki (Glorious Purpose) – 2023

The Afterthought

One thing you need to keep in mind is that the graphics don’t lie, you won’t probably be happier because of having kids. At least, not instantly. If you don’t have enough buffer before you start the journey, you’re just building a house on a broken foundation. Everything would probably come crushing and crumbling down cos child rearing can be very hard, very draining, intimidating, and might make you feel imprisoned.

But if you have the right foundation for it, feed yourself with information, talk to professionals if you need. Prepare yourself well, mentally as much as financially. Prepare your ‘village’, the people who would help you and support you when you’re in need. Having children is a huge burden and responsibility, and you can’t escape the bad part but you can prepare yourself to mitigate it.

And if you’re not up for it that’s totally fine too. It’s not for everyone. Whichever decision you make, be it having a kid or remaining childfree or having 10 cats and living happily alone, I wish you a lovely life full of achievements and happy news.