Forever a Pretender

There are so many things I could say about him. The fact that he saw me just being myself, he liked me, he pursued me, and he persisted. I was so sure he would give up within months, but somehow the more he dug the more he got stuck. It’s hard to believe, he not only accepts me however I am, he actually wants me. Whatever I throw at him he gladly takes it. He can skillfully handle me. Contain me. Tame me. But above all, he adores me to no end. How did that happen? How was that possible?

A lot of times when I see happy loving couples on social media I treat them as fiction love stories. They’re not real and I may never experience a love like that. And I have accepted that as a fact, because the reality is I am stuck in a life that I thought I wanted. The life that I worked to build, but turned out to be so lonely. So suffocating.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t understand how it can be viscerally powerful: The feeling of being the object of someone’s intense affection.

But then he taught me that. He grabbed my hand and dragged me back into the center of my own universe. It’s unbelievable, the way he saw me, he understood my shortcomings, my toxic traits, and yet he still adores me anyway. It’s honestly hard to believe. And that’s why I kept saying, it’s not real until it’s real.

But then he sat across from me and smiled at me and stared at me like I was the only woman ever existed for him… Now it is real. What am I gonna do about it?

He’s my once in a lifetime. It’s fucking heartbreaking.

I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug.
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved…

I guess it is unfair to hope that infatuations will last forever. People will admire you for a little bit. They might even obsess about you for some time. Until you make a mistake and slip and fall down the pedestal. Or maybe even if you never did anything wrong, eventually they find the next newest, shiniest thing. Whichever one comes first.

So… I went to church today for the first time in forever. Maybe it sounds a little silly since I’m not all that religious anymore, but the church felt like home somehow. Everything was so familiar, although people were speaking in a language I don’t really understand, and singing songs I don’t know about. But even just the sounds, the sight, even the smell, felt like home. And it’s hard to describe but I felt like it connects me to ‘home’. Granted, I now have my own little home in this side of the world, but a huge piece of me was moulded somewhere else, you know?

And as weird as it sounds cos I’m not too religious anymore, I’m thankful to be a part of the church. Cos before my dad passed away he was baptized, he died as a Catholic although he wasn’t always one. And his funeral was done the Catholic way. Sooooo technically, the Catholic God may or may not have been present at my dad’s funeral. Although I definitely wasn’t.

So today at the church I asked God how it went. I also told God that my dad wasn’t a bad man, he was always respectful to Him. All those time that I spent at church when I was younger? Sure my dad wasn’t there but he was supportive of it, he sent me there and picked me up, always. So that must count as something, right? And because he died as a Catholic and was cremated in the name of God, that means he’s now a part of the church as well, right? So… Maybe God could tell him I said hi. Maybe God could tell him there’s not many cockroaches in Japan so I’m alright and he could rest peacefully hahah

As weird as it is, my most favorite memory about my dad was that one time he rescued me from an army of cockroaches in front of our house. I was probably 26 or 27 at that time, but still such a wimp, couldn’t move at the sight of a cockroach. That one particular night though, it was raining a lot so the streets were a little flooded. Those cockroaches tried to escape water by climbing our house’s gate. So naturally, I stood in front of the neighbor’s house and called for help. My dad was at the store with my mom, but he came straight home in his motorbike, fetched me from in front of the neighbor’s house (about 3 meters away), got me on his motorbike and chaufer me into the house lmao!

Two years ago (2021) I went back home to visit him, and brought Takeru with me cos I wanted them to meet while my dad was still alive. He had already had multiple strokes by then so he was bed-ridden. Some days he was conscious, some days not. I wasn’t sure he recognized me when I arrived, but I remember my mom announced my presence to him by yelling, “Do you recognize her?? She’s the one that’s scared of cockroaches!!” My dad didn’t answer. Had my mom announce it by saying it’s your daughter, maybe my dad would’ve recognized me right away.

But anyways. He eventually did. One time during my visit there I was able to hear him call my name in the sing-song tone he’d usually use. Although we didn’t chat much, as he wasn’t able to hold a conversation anymore, probably wasn’t able to see clearly either.

I’m glad I went to visit him at that time. I have always suspected that I wouldn’t be able to be at his funeral. And after much thought, I decided that it was more important to me to visit him while he was still alive. And that’s what I did, and I have minimum regrets cos I know I did what I could. I introduced my son to him, and at that time I was pregnant with my daughter so technically my daughter has met him too.

I remember when I was leaving… I kissed his cheek for the last time, fully decided that that was gonna be the last kiss I’d plant on his cheek. It was kinda interesting, remembering how when I was a little kid I would always kiss his cheek whenever I was going to sleep. At that time though, I was kissing his cheek cos he was going to sleep.

And so… It happened. He passed away, February 12th 2024.

Of course, I wasn’t there. My mom and brothers were, though. They had offered me a video call during his last moments, but I hesitated so much… I’m not entirely sure if I regret hesitating. Maybe a little? But that’s fine and I can live with it. At least now he’s a free soul. If God existed, then we’re probably gonna hang out again some time. But for now, I at least went to church last Sunday to ask God to pass my hi and well wishes to him.

And to tell him that even though we didn’t always have the best father and daughter relationship, and even though sometimes I had wished he was easier to love, but I appreciate him in my life and everything he did for me.