For the longest time I have realized that my son is different. For instance, music calms him down in a very strange way. As a baby, whenever he was crying, he’d stop crying as soon as I started singing. It’s not even because of mom’s soothing voice, nah, he’s just always very interested in melody. During these early days I remember that I noticed he wasn’t interested in people. He was never clingy, he was content playing by himself, maybe once in a while he would come to me, but he was never looking for me. No bye-byes, no hellos. And usually during the mandatory developmental checkups (every few months, or years) there are some questionnaires to answer, and I remember the very first time I felt like no one was taking me seriously.
“Does the child turn to you when you call their name?”
No, no he never did.
But of course, even if he was on the spectrum, he was probably too small to do anything about it anyways, so probably that’s why they just shrugged it off. And there were other things that needed more attention, like how he wasn’t walking yet. The city hall called us every few months to check up on his development. When he was finally started walking, they finally moved on to being concerned about his speech.
Sadly, because I’m a foreigner, they kinda blamed language confusion as the reason for him to not be speaking yet. I was told to use more Japanese… Which.. Yeah sure, I’d do that. But they failed to understand that I believed there was something different about him…
Although they kept calling us every few months to check up on us, he was 3 and a half years old when they finally decided he needed more support. August 2023. They finally did assessments and decided he needed to get into rehabilitation.
But it’s just so tough, the rehabilitation center that the City Hall sent us to, Himawari (総合療育センターひまわり学園), is so overbooked that we could only go once a month for less than an hour of session. And it’s just so fucking far. I had to go first by bicycle to the station, then take a train, then take a bus, then still walk again for 15 minutes. I just. Can’t. Is it all worth it?? For less than one hour session once a month?? But I mean, of course I’d do it, even though begrudgingly.
When it was decided that he was going to Himawari, I felt finally validated. I felt that finally I’d get the help that I had been needing, but it was a tad too late. I felt that I was alone in it for too long, without a clue, without help, and it honestly made me feel bitter.
I was venting about this to a foreigner mom group on Facebook, and someone introduced me to Copel Plus (児童発達支援スクール – コペルプラス). It’s kinda like a rehabilitation center as well, but it’s privately owned and there aren’t health professionals. I looked it up and found out that there’s a branch quite close to my house. So I sent an inquiry and made it happen. It’s supposedly not free. I don’t know tbh. My son has the developmental delay letter from the doctor, and using that recommendation letter we were able to get the City Hall to pay it for us.
Now my son goes to Copel 2-3 times a week, and goes to Himawari once a month or so. It has been like this since November 2013. He has shown improvements, albeit slowly, but he’s starting to communicate a little better by using more words and phrases. His physical skills are developing too, he’s started jumping with both feet like on a trampoline or on the couch. He’s never done that before, so that’s fun.
And about his being in the spectrum, although I have voiced my concerns to the doctors back in Himawari, they are still yet to give a diagnosis. I don’t know what’s stopping them tbh, the signs are clear as day. My son doesn’t respond most of the time you call his name, he repeats jargons (echolalia), he’s especially very interested in shapes and letters…
But anyways. Here’s to hoping he’ll get more and more used to communicating his wants and needs.
But to be honest though, it has been so draining and so hard, I’ve been feeling so lonely. And in this journey I caught myself a few times asking myself why I decided to have children? It’s so fucking hard, what did I do to myself? I mean I knew it would be hard, and I also know it’s gonna get better. It doesn’t make it less hard of course.
When I was setting up this site I was tidying up my old posts and ended up reading my older post about my hopes and dreams when I decided to have kids. It reminded me that I was mostly hoping that my kids will live a happy life, discover things they’d enjoy doing, and falling in love with life.
And even with how hard it is now for me, all the sacrifices we need to make, all the misery, the loneliness, the struggles, even with all the hardships, I think my kids are quite enjoying life so far. My son is especially interested in music, and alphabets, and shapes, and colors. And he’s quite happy in general. So I must be doing something right.
Forever a Pretender 