It’s crazy that we have come to a time when people having kids are getting questioned “why”. It used to be simpler. It’s a primordial call, something seen as normal to do, even something expected of you once you got married.
Lately though, the childfree culture has gotten more and more prevalent, probably seen as more modern, more hip, more fun choice of lifestyle. The advantages of being childfree are advertised widely, as well as the cons of having children. People are beginning to realize that having or not having children is now a choice. In this free world, choosing to remain childfree is the newest whatsup.
Which is fine. I’m all for choosing however you want to live your life. After all, you only have one life and limited resources, if you choose to enjoy the resources by yourself then that’s great, I wish you an enjoyable life.
Sadly though, some of the people who choose to remain childfree also choose to mock, make fun of, and belittle people who choose to have children. “Having children” now has a bad rep. Some childfree people are now convinced that people who have children are only overpopulating the earth with more fucked up humans. That having children is a less-educated choice of life. Or that because “having children” is a less fun way to live a life, why would a fun, hip, modern humans want to have kids at all? And if you’re not fun, not hip, not modern—then how dare you want to have children when you’re all messed up already??
I must have fallen into the category of people who’s not expected to have children, because I got asked surprisingly a lot by strangers and friends, “Why did you choose to have children?”
One acquaintance even very kindly put it as, “How could a person like you dare to have a kid? I hope you won’t fuck him up.” I hope so too, dear, I hope so too. Though I’m sure I will, one way or another.
It’s a rather tough question, though. Something not very simple for me to answer, as there was a personal journey to get to it. So for the curious minds who asked for my justifications to have a child, I will try to bring you through it.
The “Maybe Not” Phase
If I’m being honest, I was not always sure I wanted children. I have very limited experiences with children, I don’t know how to communicate with them, or what to do with them. I remember I once asked a kid his age, and it was so awkward because I didn’t know what to reply when he answered. “You’re five?? That is a LOT!” (Cue awkward laughs)
In addition to that, I was also pretty exposed to the childfree culture; I know people who choose to remain childfree and quite vocal about it.
Also let’s not forget I have a very close friend (Yes Lex, I’m talking about you here) who actively advertise that your happiness level will decrease when you have a child, and would probably stay low until the child or children get out of the house. If you’ve never heard of this theory before you could ead the research here and here.
And another reason that I heard a lot across the childfree community: The world seems to get more crowded, global warming makes the earth a terrible place to live in with every passing year, and people get more apathethic to each other, what kind of person, in their right mind, would wish their offsprings to live in such a world?
There are enough people already who’s popping out babies without being able to properly care and raise them financially or morally. There are enough kids already who, due to irresponsible parents, will inevitably grow into some entitled, self-absorbed brats that their parents were.
So for the above reasons, for quite some time I entertained the idea of living childfree.
In 2018-2019, I started working at a daycare in Yokohama, and got exposed to a lot of kids age 7 to 9. That experience was what changed it for me. I see how it really is: The kids are monsters, but in a good way.
They are a total chaotic energy, and alien to human rules; They need to be told not to lick the fan! But… In a good way. It was a nice surprise that even though I was drained every time I taught a class, in general I grew to love them and care for them and think of them as precious, precious little monsters. It was a rewarding experience and even until now I still think of them every once in a while, wondering how much they’ve grown now, and what wonderful things have they discovered.
And the reality of it just hit me: If they are raised RIGHT, how much good can they spread?
Their hands are going to build the future society, they are going to correct what they think is wrong, all while adapting to the challenges and hopefully also having fun in the process. Hopefully they are going to see beautiful places or even create a beautiful place. And I’m sure they are going to eat delicious food or even make them. And they are going to touch lifes. And they are going to be amazing.
IF they are raised RIGHT. In the right environment. By the right people.
Now I’m not saying I’m THE right person to raise the next generation of non-parasitic, well-mannered citizens… After all, if you know me at all, you’d know how cynical / nihilistic I am in general. I’m probably not THE BEST person out there to have children, I can accept that. But if we’d only ever allow the perfect people to have children, the world would probably collapse even before the global warming kills us all.
Also, while I’m not trying to be cocky, am I not even slightly more woke compared to other people? Probably more mentally prepared? Did other people around me think it through and knew the risks and knew how bleak the world is and how harsh the society can be and yet still carefully choose to have a kid? Did they contemplate and wholeheartedly decide they were up for it?
Cos I’m willing to bet, that not all of the parents in the world were prepared for the whole parenthood thing, and yet look at how kind the kids are, how sweet they are, how much fun they are having, and how bright their future can be.
Heck, even look at you and me, we’re all broken souls in one way or another, but you’re a beautiful addition to the world, your presence is necessary and appreciated. We don’t gotta be perfect to exist. We don’t gotta figure everything out before we could have fun.
So, if with the minimal contemplation our parents had, we exist, what can I do if I prepare myself and then have kids?
And think of all those irresponsible parents who actually fucked up. If THEYYYYYYY will never stop having children, why not the well-informed, educated, mentally prepared ones have children?
The “Okay, Yes” Phase
It might be a form of conceit, but I feel that I have enough information to pass on to my child to make him a decent human. Hopefully, enough wisdom to help him make a contribution to better the world, or at least to better the society around him. My partner also is a big part of the decision making process: Simply put, I think he is the right person to do parenting with. So if only we’re up for it, we most probably can do it. It seems doable.
So I started to think and rethink about the pros and the cons of having a kid. I loved my life and I knew for sure that I would lose it to child-bearing. I loved my body and I knew it would never be the same after kid(s). I loved the silence around me, the songs I’d sing when I was alone, the comfort of pooping without distractions… All those would be gone. Would it be worth it?
Not to mention my relationship with my husband. It definitely would be different. I would transform from becoming a wife, all cute and pretty, into a mom of our kids, all tired and messed up. We would be having less time for each other, the topics of our conversations would probably revolve around kids. We would most probably have trouble with intimacy. Would it be okay? What if after the kid comes into the picture, my relationship with my husband takes a turn for the worse?
Also what if the kid can’t contribute to society as much as I hope he would? What if he was born deformed or with disabilities, was I up for supporting him, getting help for him, or even taking care of him for the rest of my life? And what if the kid I brought to this world couldn’t enjoy life as much as I hoped they would? How am I gonna support them best?
And then there’s also the financial aspect, which to be honest I was not too worried about, because living in Japan, there’s free education and free healthcare for the children. Also even though I’d be out of work for a little while, I’d definitely go back to work eventually. It seems doable, tbh.
So after really thinking about it all, my husband and I then decided to go for it.
I remember regretting my decision when contractions started kicking in and I was in pain. Lol. Other than that, I’m generally happy with my decision, and can’t wait to show my little squish how to have fun in this world. Can’t wait to have discussions about the bad and the good of being alive. I’m excited for him.
Oh and of course it hasn’t been all fun and games, there are some unhappy moments too. Although, most of the unhappy moments were the ones I have thought about before, so it was expected. I willingly chose this path, I knew the risks and consequences. It doesn’t make it any easier to get through, hard times are still hard, but I at least know that this was all my choice. I’ll get through it. Even if I have to do so begrudgingly.
Mobius: Most purpose is more burden than glory, and trust me, you never want to be the guy who avoids it ’cause you can’t live with the burden.
Loki: How do you live with it?
Mobius: Scar tissue.
Loki (Glorious Purpose) – 2023
The Afterthought
One thing you need to keep in mind is that the graphics don’t lie, you won’t probably be happier because of having kids. At least, not instantly. If you don’t have enough buffer before you start the journey, you’re just building a house on a broken foundation. Everything would probably come crushing and crumbling down cos child rearing can be very hard, very draining, intimidating, and might make you feel imprisoned.
But if you have the right foundation for it, feed yourself with information, talk to professionals if you need. Prepare yourself well, mentally as much as financially. Prepare your ‘village’, the people who would help you and support you when you’re in need. Having children is a huge burden and responsibility, and you can’t escape the bad part but you can prepare yourself to mitigate it.
And if you’re not up for it that’s totally fine too. It’s not for everyone. Whichever decision you make, be it having a kid or remaining childfree or having 10 cats and living happily alone, I wish you a lovely life full of achievements and happy news.
Forever a Pretender 
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